What the hell! No updates?!

Yes, I’ve been absent for awhile. I won’t bore you with the details, I’ll just tell you that I need a bit more time before I can starting writing for UAL again. One more week and all should be back to normal.

– KT Samurai

Monday Manga Review: Fire Candy

Basically

What do you get when you mix teenagers with dangerous and addictive drugs? You get some fucked up teenagers of course. But that’s dull because it’s been done to death by countless writers and artists in the past. What you would need to do is spice things up. What if the teenagers were part animal? That’s a lot cooler right there, people eat up that anthropomorphic shit by the bucket load. And what if they spent a fair amount of their free time doing some kind of dangerous street racing? That’s totally extreme so it’s even better! I’ll take it to the next level for you, though: what if the drugs these kids do had a slight chance of setting them on fire? That, my friend, is fucking bad ass.

A wise genderless and ageless person named Jura compared “Fire Candy” to “Air Gear” and it’s easy to see why. The racing the kids do involves highly stylized roller blades,  like it does in AG, often rigged with small engines in order to maximize the already insane speeds these things can achieve, like in AG. Suffice it to say that the very act of participating in these races can get your dumb ass killed, like in AG, but it just so happens that the gang is lead by two exceptional riders, cow-boy and the guy with lion marks named, get this, Leo.

Leo! Seriously! Only the Japanese can write this bad and still look awesome.

The drug that causes the previously mentioned spontaneous human combustion explosion has defied every scientific boundry ever created and was somehow green lighted as safe enough to distribute to the public. Most of the world’s populace, human or “half” as the animal people are called, seems to be completely addicted to it. The cause of the signature unfortunate side-effect has no discernable pattern; you could be set ablaze minutes, hours, or even days after taking it. Even if you quit you could still burst in flames at any moment, because fire is an asshole. The way these guys talk it’s like merely mentioning the stuff could spark the chemical reaction required to cook you inside and out. Oh! And guess what this drug is called! That’s right, it’s called fire candy. Why didn’t they just skip all that clever subtlety and call it OMG I’M FUCKING BURNING ALIVE?

First Impressions

I should start by saying that this manga is actually pretty easy on the eyes. The characters are detailed and feature plenty of unique characteristics, lines are used effectively to suggest all the things they ought to, and all the crazy futuristic stuff looks like it was probably made a year from now. Strangely, however, the backgrounds don’t share this kind of loving attention, and many are completely blank. Even if it’s night time outside the panel will be white while the characters are shaded appropriately. I’m not sure what this technique is called, but I’ll just refer to it as “OH SHIT THE DEADLINE’S TOMORROW”, or OSTDT for short.

It’s also worth noting that this manga has a mature audience firmly in mind. Besides showing you people burning alive and eventually exploding (sometimes as a fireball and sometimes as a tightly-packed sausage, I don’t know what kind of conditions need to be met for either one) a mere 8 pages into the thing you’re treated to some big brown breasts and a couple pages of hedonism. You’ve seen it many times before, especially if you rocked out with your cock out back when Crying Freeman was new and exciting, though rarely featuring a brown girl, I’m sure.

One thing I’m getting pretty fucking tired of is manga-ka’s drawing characters that look like they’re in their early 20’s but labeling them as teenagers just to get them into that certain niche’ in order to appeal readers who dig that sort of thing. And even stranger, once one of the characters is revealed to be 16 in chapter 4 he’s immediately drawn much differently than he was in the 3 chapters preceeding it. It’s inconsistent and pretty silly, but a minor detail.

Then again, this series seems to have a pretty good sense of humor. Despite the bleak-as-fuck intro there’s some laughs to be had here in the typical slapstick anime way it usually presents itself.

In fact, once you hit chapter 5 the atmosphere is completely different from the first 2. This about-face might be disappointing if you were really digging the gloomy mood in the early chapters. And honestly, I thought that the harshness of those chapters were much more satisfying than the typical anime shit you get by the time you hit 5. It’s like flushing a Transformer down the toilet just to get a Go-Bot, it makes no sense and you should be ashamed of yourself for doing it.

Summary

Fans of Air Gear will feel quite at home here. The art quality is surprisingly high, the characters have some appeal and a lot of potential, and the more mature subject matter is a good step up from what Air Gear offered (and there was implied rape in AG!). Those of you looking for something a little different might be intrigued, but be warned that the manga quickly waters itself down and changes completely after the first few chapters. This is definitely something you’ll have to continue readng to gauge properly, and I think I’ll do just that.

Arbitrary Grade Score: 5 pairs of motorized roller blades out of 10.

The Saturday Anime Update: 4 Great Anime Intros

– Tenjho Tenge –

Featured song: “Bomb A Head! V” by m.c.A·T

Based on the manga by a guy who thought that Oh! Great was a great idea for a pen name, Tenjho Tenge tells the story of some young asshole and his token black friend who go from school to school starting fights and forcibly taking control of the local student body. But when these meat heads arrive at Toudou Academy they quickly discover that this is where impossibly powerful human beings happen to flock to in order to practice and preserve martial arts. After getting rape stomped by a woman who can assume the form of a 5 year-old girl they decide to get more involved and end up making some friends. But the series’ main villain, the dreaded flashback, ain’t having none of that bullshit!

Why The Intro Is Great

This is one of the earliest intros my memory can serve up that offers an experience that is almost completely unrelated to the actual content of the show it was made for. Dominated by a catchy, up-beat hip-hop kind of song, the opening sequence only gives you a loose idea of what to expect from the show, vastly prefering to show the main characters dancing and having a really fucking good time over revealing anything about the show itself. And you can’t tell me that after hearing this you didn’t briefly take up hip-hop dancing only to “get served” shortly thereafter and return to your hole-in-the-ground bedroom to watch anime again and wallow in defeat.

Also note that the intro features the main characters literally leaping out from their source material.  A bold move by Studio Madhouse, especially since they watered the series down so much that it only vaguely resembled the manga it was based on. At least it looks pretty damn cool.

– Cowboy Bebop –

Featured Song: “Tank!” by The Seatbelts

Bebop is one of those anime you only have to mention before your peers nod their heads in knowing acknowledgment. Everything about the 1998 series was fantastic, from the character-driven plot to the astonishly good soundtrack. Basically, if I have to explain anything about this series to you then you need to shut off this computer right now and cause yourself bodily harm to make up for your damaging ignorance. Seriously, close the toilet seat on your dick no less than 5 times before you come back.

Why The Intro Is Great

This 1 minute and 30 seconds did more to introduce young people to jazz and big band than anything else in the universe since they went out of style days after they were invented. Featuring a song written and compose by Yoko Kanno, the same genius who handled the Macross Plus soundtrack, the intro to Bebop made retards dance and overly serious folk tap their feet. The animation that accompanied it could have depicted a man clubbing adorable baby bald eagles for all the viewership cared, all they wanted was to hear that goddamn song over and over again!

– xxxHolic –

Featured song: “19sai” by Shikao Suga

Everyone believes in some supernatural crap for no good reason. I, for one, am convinced that there’s a tiny horse with man-arms in my closet writing down everything I say and presenting the log of my private ramblings to the writers for Saturday Night Live via his telepathic iPod. xxxHolic takes common supernatural rumor and myth and presents them matter-of-factly, providing a setting and context for things like creepy internet addictions and the power of words (you can’t unread the words “midget sex”, for example). Yuuko, her cleavage, and her man servant Watanuki explore hidden realms beyond our understanding, often leaving Watanuki flabbergasted and up to his elbows in his own urine from fright.

Why The Intro Is Great

The theme song for the show is what otaku would fuck to had they ever the opportunity to make pornography. The tune is this leathery smooth R&B number, guaranteeing that you’ll think of sex at least once during the opening sequence. You sick loli assholes probably held out until around 1:14 when the loli action is not-so-subtlely implied when two youngin’s start inspecting each other’s mouths with their mouths, probably looking for cold sores.

The intro, or the series for that matter, isn’t a hallmark of animation. But the intro does communicate the theme of the show well enough while offering brief glimpses of the many characters you meet, including those little crazy assholes on the flying surf boards who attack Watanuki for no good reason to fill the slap-stick quota every other episode.

– Berserk –

Featured Song: “Tell Me Why” by PENPALS

Like Bebop, I shouldn’t have to say a word about this classic. But in case you’re a young upstart who can’t see passed the dated animation you need only know this: Berserk is anime’s answer to the cry for more blood, more gore, and to somehow wrap it up in a compelling plot with subtle philosophical undertones, specifically cause and effect. Yes, this is violence with a brain. You just have to split open the skull first to get at it.

Seriously, watch it if you haven’t already. Right fucking now!

Why The Intro Is Great

This opening is great because it’s so astonishingly bad. The song grates on your nerves thanks to some awful guitar playing and a singer who sounds like he’s hanging upside down and trying to keep from throwing up. The animation doesn’t offer anything substantial either. There are several instances where the animation studio just throws in random portraits for the pure fuck of it since they apparently can’t be bothered to animate anything. Berserk is an old son of a bitch of an anime, I’ll grant, and it’s based on quite possibly the greatest manga ever drawn. But the intro has that B-horror movie appeal, being so very bad that it’s actually pretty awesome.

An Unedited Naoie Rant: Generic Plot Orifice

I’ve come from a long line of gamers who have seen stuff since the day an age of the Nintendo. I’ve experienced things that most people don’t care to experience and are thus, fed with the most generic… unoriginal crap I’ve ever seen in my life. Damn you Nintendo, damn you for making these people a part of my life.

As the above has stated: This is true to most entertainment and the one thing that I always loved about anime is that it was different enough that you hardly noticed a lot of the generic stuff. Unfortunately though, many of the writers these days are no talent professional wannabe’s who consider themselves experts only after a few “decent” posts on a forum with their shitty fan fiction. If you want to take the “monster of the week” formula and use it, that’s fine. Be original with it. I mean seriously… look at Fox’s House M.D. That shit is a “monster of the week” series and you know what? It works because that monster is a freaking epic disease that can make you crap your pants and you wouldn’t even know it. That and House is a complete asshole.

So I’ve spent many hours of my life reading Naruto and Bleach. Both of which are now no longer entertaining in any form and their plot twists are just plain ridiculous now. Which I could care less for. Soul Eater, the current Naruto / Bleach / One Piece / Dragonball wannabe series follows such course as well. People have yelled at me for looking down on Soul Eater. However, here’s the thing… and I’ll say it now because some people don’t get it.

Soul Eater is Bleach.
You have your partner, which is your unique weapon that you choose and one that chooses you. Zanpaktu?
Soul Eater is Dragonball.
You have your partner, which improves when you eat 99 souls and a witch’s soul. Dragonballs?
Soul Eater is Naruto.
You have your partner, which you have to work with and complete tasks much like a hit list. Naruto rank missions?

You wanna know why Soul Eater ends up working? They take everything you like from everything else and put it in one place. It’s like taking Chocolate Syrup, Ice Cream, Strawberries and Sprinkles… throwing them in a bowl and then having it forced fed into you like you’re some sort of retard.

Which now leads me to the point of this:
I hate poorly constructed introductions as well. Which is used heavily in Japanese culture and anime. Tell me, what is wrong with this sentence?
“I think I’m going to rape you now, Allison-chan”.
“Oh noes, why would you do that to me, Denise-kun?”

First off, in real life… no one would actually reference your name like that. It’s a poor way to introduce a character in my honest opinion. It detaches you from the current situation almost immediately because it feels unnatural. If you don’t think that’s weird… try it for yourself in person. You’ll quickly find that it’s stupid. Also, if you know this person for a very long time, you won’t reference them like that at all and if you do, you’re probably fairly awkward, socially, aren’t you?

Also… plot twists… they need to not be done if it’s not absolutely amazing.
“I’m going to go paper, there’s no way he will use scissors.”
“You’ve lost.”
“Wait, what?”
“I can read minds. There’s no way you can win.”
“Oh no, he can read minds! I never knew!”

There are a lot of ways for a writer to surprise the reader, but a plot twist that doesn’t reveal huge revelations shouldn’t be used at all. It’s absolutely silly to even consider them because it literally makes the whole situation awkward and unnatural. This can be said a lot about Bleach these days. In all honesty, I can’t read that series anymore. People randomly appear without reason, people do things for stupid reasons and overall, the whole entire plot became a mess after a while. I understand if you can use intuition to figure out a lot of things, but these people… they’re like… “Hey, Aizen is going to blow up the Earth.”
“Yes, I know. That’s why I replaced the Earth with Venus.”
“Wait, how did you know?”
“I just do.”
“No seriously… how do you know.”
“Don’t question me. It was convenient that I knew.”

Naruto can be as silly at times with their generic plotlines but you know what? At least they explain in depth of how things ended up as they are. Bleach… oh my god… things happen out of sheer covenience. In all seriousness, I hate unexplained details. Bleach used to be so great with those hand drawings…. what happened to you?

Finally, I hate the use of “that”.
It’s a device used often in series to hide a revelation that people know something absolutely amazing but shouldn’t reveal it just yet. This was heavily used in Naruto and almost immediately, forgotten after the long 200 chapters about Sasuke. We’ll probably see it and go “oh shit!” but you know what? After so long, I doubt anyone cares to remember now.
“Hey, don’t use that technique.”
“Which technique?”
“That technique.”
“That technique?”
“That technique.”
“Oh… kay…”

200 chapters later.

“Use that technique!”
“My inner demon?”
“No! Use that technique!”
“My thousand wind needles of doom?”
“No, no, no! THAT technique.”
“Ok, stop. Hey, Akatsuki guy, can you chill for a sec? Look, Kakashi… fuck you okay? Fuck you. I don’t know what that technique is, so you’re going to have to help me out here.”

Anyways, I’m done ranting now. Have a pleasant day waiting for the next chapters of Naruto and Bleach. Look out for these Generic Plot Orifices, you may win a prize if you see at least one of the above used in the current chapter.

Manga which shouldn’t work… but do! – “Yakitate! Japan”

Impossibly, picture is related.

We’ve all done it. We’ve all stumbled across the stupidest plot lines and shittiest characters you could ever imagine and thought to ourselves, “ Well this is fucked up. How’d they even get published?” Shocking thing is we can’t seem to put it down. We know it’s repetitive, we know that our brains are probably melting out of our ears only to leak down the sides of our faces and onto the floor where they proceed to burn, because the manga is just that bad. Yes, that character we couldn’t stand the sight of, that plot line we mocked, that art style we gagged at…it got us hooked.

They are the manga which should never work in real life. But for some strange obscure and godly reason they do. And this manga? It just takes the cake.

Yakitate! Japan – Takashi Hashiguchi

Yakitate! Japan has all your stereotypical shounen elements: some jail bait to keep the guys happy, big evil corporations out to do generic evil things; it even has a tall, muscular token black guy with an afro! Why, the main character Azuma has the stereotypical personality; sucks at life except for one thing, that one thing being the focus of this manga. There’s nothing wrong with that, we’ve all been baking our brains in the simplistic joy that is the shounen genre since we were children. But what makes this one so different is the subject matter it’s based around. No, it’s not sword fighting or ninja skills or sports or anything remotely interesting. Azuma is good at baking.

This is a manga about bread French bread, German bread, English bread, Turkish bread, Indian bread and Eygptian bread. But it doesn’t stop there, it looks at the making of bread, the kneading of bread, the baking of bread, the philosophy of bread even the super human techniques one must employ to create perfect breads, and the super human powers bakers must obtain to make their super human breads. And if you haven’t spotted the pun in the title by now, holding a loaded gun beside your right ear and firing should help. (hint –‘pan’ means bread in Japanese)

Why does it work?

It accomplishes the basics of the genre, so well in fact that it won a Shogakukan Manga award in the shounen category. It makes, theoretically, loveable and well drawn characters; then offers plenty of character development. The plot line is understandably thin, but satisfactory given subject matter. I mean seriously, lets see you come up with a plot line about bread.

But what the manga does best is it quite elegantly captures the reader in a typical construct of many shounen mangas – the one-on-one battle. Most of the series is composed of these vs. battles to make bread fulfilling certain criteria, sometimes in impossible situations. It is surprisingly suspenseful. What will they make this time? Will it even win? You have to give the author a lot of credit for the amount of time he wasted researching bread and world wide food products to give the series it’s credibility.

What makes the series is the judging of this rounds. Judgment is given in the form of a ‘reaction’ from the judge. These often involved spurting out random words which are ‘so bad they’re good’ Japanese puns relating to some abnormal event in the judge’s past which they later go onto to explain. Many are also parodies of other popular mangas and it is rather entertaining to pick them out when they occur. Sure, this sounds like crap, but I swaer it’s got some good laughs in it.

All in all, though, there is only so far you can take a plot line about bread, even if at one point you add cannabis to it. And while the first introductory arc, as well as the second and third, managed to keep my attention, the series suffered from the fatal flaw of repetition. It then continues to drag out multiple gags to keep the audience interested, eventually killing itself. The obvious truth is that no matter how much character development or plot twists you throw in around it there’s only so much you can do with bread. Like many of it’s shounen brothers, Yakitate! Japan fades into mediocrity.

Stats:
Manga – 26 volumes, complete
Anime – 69 episodes, complete

– Written by Toraya_Tatsu

Saturday Anime Update: “Fighting for Characterization and Story: Battle Arena Toshinden”

A great tradition of anime is creating films and series from story- and character-rich sources, especially fighting games. This trend arguably started with “Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie” in the early 1990s and numerous glimpses of Chun-Li’s panties as she fought Vega.

Director Masami Obari was artistically inspired by the “Street Fighter II” anime and made the distinguishable “Fatal Fury: The Motion Picture.” And although some film aficionados rank “Fatal Fury” above “The Wizard of Oz” but not “Casablanca,” Obari was not finished. In 1996 his magnum opus Battle Arena Toshinden was released.

If anyone remembers the Playstation 1 fighting game “Battle Arena Toshinden,” you would know Obari had chosen wisely. He had a strict policy against rehashed ideas, as the main character of “Toshinden,” Eiji, comes from Japan and wears a headband and lives to train to become the world’s greatest fighter and is able to shoot fireballs and propel himself into the air for a powerful uppercut, occasionally fighting his friend and rival, Kayin, a cocksure blonde also able to shoot fireballs and propel himself into the air for a powerful uppercut. They may sound like Ryu and Ken from “Street Fighter II,” but Eiji and Kayin wield swords, so there is quite more depth at play.

“Battle Arena Toshinden” is a two-episode series clocking in at one hour. It opens with text, much like “Star Wars,” the message scrolling over a sunset image with Eiji and Kayin standing on either side of the screen. This opening is four paragraphs, and I would like to share each paragraph with you and the thoughts that bloomed in my brain as a narrator—whose forced passion forces you to be passionate—recited the prose.

“Once every four years, a secret tournament of the greatest martial artists is held to decide who is the world’s most powerful fighter. It is the Battle Arena Toshinden.”

When I heard “secret” intrigue shook me violently. I think the writer would have been the victim of strained wordplay to say “a known tournament.” Even though this is an action movie, the secrecy involved in the plot makes it feel like a classic suspense flick.

“Their destinies intertwined, the chosen warriors fight for many reasons … Love. Glory. Revenge.”

I like how this paragraph reinforces we are all connected. Even martial artists whom we worship. That guy has a sword and can fling fireballs, but I will be goddamned if he does not brush his teeth to keep cavities at bay.

“Both the participants and the site of the tournament are selected by the ‘Organization,’ a clandestine group whose motives are anything but clear.

No wonder the tournament is secret! It is run by a clandestine group with unclear motives. At this point the mystery threw me for a loop. But worry not I told myself. I had a feeling the Organization’s motives would eventually be revealed to me.

“Today, the eleven Toshinden warriors are challenged not only by each other’s ultimate martial arts skills, but by the mysterious and violent events surrounding them all.”

How are they going to set up the bracket with only 11 warriors? I hate to spoil things, but the series never explains the bracket. I think it is one of those things the director wants to leave open to interpretation, something we can dwell upon to eventually better ourselves.

The first episode begins with representatives from two countries signing a peace treaty to end a cold war. The placidity is interrupted by explosions, and I really felt the futility of the defense team. A superior asks what the radar says, and the guy says, “But sir there’s nothing on the radar screen.” Then the superior says, “Nothing?”

We see a man is the wreaker of destruction. “I don’t believe it. It’s a man!” someone cries. Hell, that’s how I felt. Scary how one human can take away so much.

The episode cuts to a scene with an old man, the clawman Fo, hanging out with children. He spots the same destructive force of a man from the first scene. Fo winds up in an alley with him, and it is revealed the man is Sho.

So we get Sho vs. Fo. Sho easily evades every attack from Fo and ends the fight much to Fo’s surprise: “It can’t be! He’s using my technique!” This fight raised two intriguing questions in my mind. How could this enigmatic man learn Fo’s technique instantly? And why didn’t the supposed copied technique look anything like the one Fo had just used? At this point I also began to compare the director of this series to Hitchcock.

Eiji, the dedicated sword fighter with a headband, is then introduced. I became emotionally attached to his character immediately because he flashes back to the last Toshinden tournament, the one he almost won. Unfortunately, his final battle against Gaia, a masked mammoth warrior with a big sword (think of Cloud’s sword from “Final Fantasy VII”—kind of wished the sword looked more like Sephiroth’s, though!), was interrupted by Chaos, a gaunt weirdo with a sickle. Chaos tries to kill Gaia, but Gaia impales his anemic ass. Gaia gets away and Eiji is disgusted: “Gaia, no fair!”

The flashback stops and Eiji talks to himself for a while and we find out he has been looking for his brother Sho and the character development shoots through the roof and then things only get better with Kayin the cocksure blonde entering the picture. The two friends spar. What a battle. The match of skill ends with both characters slightly slashing the other. Kayin soon says, “Not a bad fight. But I’m still better than you’ll ever be, Eiji.” I could tell from this sharp dialogue that Kayin is pretty confident.

In the next scene, Sho fights his next victim, Mondo the spear wielder. Mondo really has his shit together: “Mustn’t see my enemy with my eyes—must feel him in my heart.” Even though Mondo was only thinking that line, Sho must have mindreading abilities and found it offensively homoerotic. That is part of the genius of this series. Sometimes there is no character interaction, so the director allows you to come up with your own (which is the starting ground for effective fan fiction, really). Mondo is also defeated by his own technique. And the technique still did not look anything like the original.

Eiji and Kayin demonstrate their on-the-side detective skills by deducting that someone wants to take down all the Toshinden fighters. The two friends split apart, Eiji to visit the woman with a whip, Sofia, and Kayin to find out more about the “Organization.”

Eiji finds Sofia’s place and plays soccer with a lot of kids and kicks their asses before Sofia reveals herself. Eiji assumes the role of messenger with the haunting warning, “Sorry to have to say this, the organization is on the move.” The director quickly cuts to Sofia’s shocked face with a shattered glass sound effect to convey that Sofia’s once peaceful state of mind was like a window broken by a rock of bad news.

Later that night, Eiji mourns the absence of his brother Sho while Sofia laments the mind tampering the “Organization” put her through. Suddenly, her eyes change. She tells Eiji it is nothing and that she is going to sleep.

But not really. She takes a shower and you get to see her breasts just like in “Street Fighter II” with Chun-Li but this time the director throws a curveball because Sofia has no areolas just nipples. Even if I had paused the series right before this point and pondered for 1,000 years, I could not have seen that plot twist coming. Sofia busts in on Eiji in the bed to seduce him only to pull out a knife that sends Eiji to an escape through the bedroom window.

Sofia follows him and you see she is wearing her costume from the game which means cleavage and camel toe in shorthand. Eiji gets his ass kicked for a while before Sofia realizes she hurt him and breaks down. The director cuts to a disappointed Uranus (pronounced “Urine us” in the dub), the lady mastermind behind this manipulation of fighters.

Sho arrives to take down Eiji. Eiji knows it is not his true brother and gets his ass kicked for a while. Then Eiji kicks the doppelganger Sho’s ass, proclaiming “Check and mate!” Uranus makes an angelic appearance at the scene, guides a fatal arrow through Sho’s back, mumbles evil tidings, and vanishes.

Similar to a scene from “Street Fighter II,” the first episode ends with Eiji standing on the edge of a cliff where he launches into the air for a sword uppercut. I wonder how much training that technique would require. First I would have to learn how to use this sword I ordered online a few seconds ago.

I have spoiled enough of this groundbreaking fighting game anime series. I encourage you to buy the DVD to see all the surprises of the concluding episode, but make sure you get the dubbed version for the great dialogue I have sprinkled throughout this review and the uncut version for Sofia’s breasts without areolas.

“Battle Arena Toshinden” fights for characterization and story!

– Written by jubei_massages_goku

Naoie’s Thursday Update: Anime Relationships: Fantasy vs Reality

The problem with anime relationships is… they’re often extremely unrealistic. Which is sad because there are many impressionable teens watching anime these days. Given that the vast majority of them are naive or just simply retarded doesn’t help the matter. So I’ll use prime examples of why you shouldn’t rely on anime for relationship tips.

1. Girls are NOT that accident prone
What do I mean by this? Well, if you watch as much drama anime as I do… you see a certain trend. First being that the girl always ends up falling or tripping… or getting into some weird ass accident. It was used heavily in Itazura na Kiss… which is unrealistic and that doesn’t actually happen in real life. If you ever watch another girl (you sick stalker you) in real life, you’ll notice quickly that they’re pretty nimble and pretty aware of their surroundings. In anime, girls are either

A) Fairly retarded
B) Physically inadequate
C) Both

If the girls in Japan are anything like their anime counterparts, I almost feel sorry for Japan as a whole.

2. Girls are NOT that oblivious to your feelings
In all seriousness, girls in real life are not oblivious to your feelings. In fact, most of the time, they’re either too scared to respond or bring it up to themselves because they’re not sure of how you feel entirely… or they really just don’t see you that way. Which in most cases… is just that, they don’t see you in that way. Sad, isn’t it?

So stop being a pansy and just say “Hey, *insert girl name here*, *insert dramatic story*, *insert love story*, *insert asking out story*”. You’ll be surprised how far you get and how fast you get a “yes” or a “no”.

3. Friends of said girl are generally NOT that helpful
You see it in anime a lot too, having the friend cheer for the main girl. This sometimes happen in real life, but it happens in a different way. See, they do cheer for the main girl… just they don’t tell them stuff like, “You should give him another chance!” or “He’s actually this way and that”. No… no… no… no… it’s more like this: “Yeah, he’s a jerk.”, “I don’t see what you see in him.”, “I think he’s gay.”

Anime friends = Helpful
Real life friends = Not helpful

So if you were in a good relationship and your girl broke up with you, there is close to no way in hell that you guys are going to work out or get back together.

So now, you’ve read my take on Fantasy vs Reality. I give to you, two anime’s you should watch so you can compare and contrast.

Itazura na Kiss

This anime is the most fantasy in a relationship you can get. The way it starts out is pretty ridiculous as well. Why should you watch this? Simply for the sake of knowing what doesn’t happen in reality. For the first episode, you’ll get a glimpse of how retarded this can actually be:

Main girl’s likes said main guy. She writes him a love letter and she is turned down before he even reads it. Then her house collapses and by a weird twist of fate, her father’s friend is said main guy. She ends up living with him and thus begins their life of fantasy.

NOT REAL. DOES NOT HAPPEN. DON’T BELIEVE IT.

Bokura ga Ita

The reason why you should watch this anime is because it’s as real as a relationsihp can get. Said main girl is starting high school and she ends up meeting said main guy. She hates him and doesn’t understand why all the girls are infatuated with him. However, said main guy ends up growing on her and she ends up liking him too. She questions her feelings and eventually, said main guy asks her out after fighting himself over his fears which he hasn’t fully overcome. That being said, his fears are not what most anime guys are about: Scared of being with a girl. It’s much more realistic and complicated.

The only thing that I must warn you about is… the ending is fairly retarded because thats only the halfway point of the manga. So go read the manga.

THIS IS PLAUSIBLE. GROW A PAIR. ASK YOUR DREAM GIRL OUT.

Finally, lets talk about extreme fantasy.
Your computer is not your lover. (Chobits)
It’s cool that computers can be as attractive as a lot of girls in Chobits. However, I think it’s fairly sad if that was the case. Who on earth would pick a robot over a cute girl like Yumi? I have no idea and if you were EVER put in a situation where you could have sex with a real girl versus a robot… please, for the love of god… for the sake of humanity’s dignity, pick the real girl.

Your AI will never be that smart. (A.I. Love You)
If you’re a game programmer and you chat with a girl that you made up. Please go kill yourself. A freak accident with lightning will not materialize that girl and unfortunately, she is only as smart as you make her out to be. If you programmed her to be highly retarded and she became real, do everyone a favor and remove yourself from the gene pool, thanks.

You will never be in a situation where you are surrounded by beautiful women, all the time. (Negima, Ai Yori Aoshi, Love Hina, Girls Bravo)
If you live in a situation where you’re surrounded by beautiful women all the time, good for you. In fact, if you manage to pull that off… I commend you. However, this will never happen. You will not find your dream girl like this. Your chances of having this happen is close to 0. You’re better off being gay and sent to an all girl’s school in some weird freak paper work accident.

Something to Tide You Over

I missed the Saturday update and I just might miss the Monday one, too. Here’s some hilarious shit I found to make up for it.

Naoie’s Thursday Update: 5 Anime Girls You Hentai Searched For

This list is in no particular order. I was told to list more than 5 because there are a lot, but I decided to keep it down to 5 for continuity sake on UAL and simply because writing about more than that would mean I have to list close to every Anime Girl out there.

The way these girls are selected is based on the difficulty in finding them in a hentai setting and ultimately, how many of those images and doujinshi’s I could find and how many views those had (which were in the thousands, by the way… meaning thousands of closet perverts or one closet pervert who couldn’t get enough). I also considered the timing of the Anime itself and how old we may have been.

We can’t deny that porn is a billion dollar industry and hentai being porn… there is a lot of it to be found. Of course, we all have our celebrity hotties… and you probably did the Britney Spears search once upon a time. Unfortunately, it wasn’t everything we wanted now that we got it… but then again, we can’t find our other favorite celebrities such as Jessica Alba or even Megan Fox in the mix. What better way to get our porn fix than our cartoon heroes?

Whether they are … not even of age, sexy robots or aliens… if they have a cute face, boobs and possibly what could be female parts, it’s all fair game to the common male, possibly female, otaku’s.

Which leads be to one of the first girls that I decided to list. She’s a heroine of an Anime that opened our hearts when we were young and eventually, it became cool to hate on. She’s fairly young with short red / orange hair and a side pony-tail. She has three hot older sisters and she is a great swimmer. I give you none other than…

Pokemon: Misty

At one point in time, you watched Pokemon. For many of you, Pokemon was a gateway Anime and it introduced you to other Anime. She has her undeniable charm is the little red head that got your heart pumping. Whether it was her looks, her age or even the fact she has a flat chest… you guys can’t deny that you’ve hentai-searched Misty at one point in time. For many of you guys who were reaching puberty, you fulfilled that wet-dream with a box of tissue and your favorite browser pointed at google. Some of you, I have to say… in the sense of lolicon and beastiality (seriously), you people are sick.

If Misty wasn’t enough for you… (and she probably wasn’t), we move forward in time to when the next big thing hit. If you were an Anime fan, you’ll most likely hear a lot about this one in particular. It was considered the Holy Grail of Anime itself. This next girl, is again… a red head. She’s german, she got a slim body and she has even appeared nude a few times in the series itself. Fortunately, she has more of a chest and she is in a very… very… tight outfit for a good portion of the series. I introduce to you…

Evangelion: Asuka

I applaud some of you for getting out of lolicon mode and actually taking an interest in a girl who is a little older. Yes, she does have a chest. Not much to speak of… but it’s still more than what Misty has. Her personality is pretty fierce and her talk on thermal temperature using her boobs as an example can get anyone a little excited. Asuka is another one of those “wet dream” girls. You know what I’m talking about. That crust at the end of your sock can speak for itself.

Which leads us to the next girl who has been hentai-searched. It’s a little eerie to say that currently, in the real world… we are close to having sex robots. I guess sex is sex… as sickening as that could be. This little cutie is a blonde. She was abandoned and then found, naked. Unfortunately for her, she has no memories of herself and she can only say one word. I give you…

Chobits: Chii

You can’t mention a list like this without having Chii on there. Chii is by far, probably the most searched girl on the internet. You know it, I know it… and the rest of the guys on the internet knows it. With her absolute innocence and charm… and working as a stripper at one point, what wouldn’t stop you from going to the dark side? If not seeing her half naked in the Anime wasn’t enough… or even some of the more visual display in the Manga didn’t do it for you… those Doujinshi’s probably did. For a robot… or … a walking PC… Chii is pretty damn cute.

Now, let’s remind ourselves that Chii is a mechanical being. So let’s move away from this disturbing revelation and get to our next girl. She has long pink hair. Her voice is charming… given that (this will give it away) she is voiced by none other than Japan’s cutie, Tanaka Rei. She sings and she has a strong presence in the political arena. Who else would I be talking about? I’m talking about…

Gundam Seed: Lucas Clyne

Now, this is a little more acceptable. Given the disturbing last three girls I mentioned… who weren’t of age and one not even being human, Lucas Clyne is another one of those girls you’ve hentai-searched for. Given that everything about her is pretty close to perfect, who wouldn’t have done the great unloader because of her? She has a cute face for an Anime girl, and for some of you, the pink hair is a plus. Not only is she voiced by Tanaka Rei who only makes Lucas just so much more attractive, she is one powerful talker. She is the ideal candidate for anyone who needs to have a quick five minutes at the computer.

Finally, we’re at the last one. You guys excited to find out who it is? If so… then uh… don’t go off blowing that load just yet. This one is a brunette. She has a hairstyle for every day of the week, up until someone noticed and she said “fuck it” to her hair. She’s rather crazy and pushy. Not only that, she is what people would call “god”. I give you the one of the most hentai-searched girl of modern Anime:

The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya: Haruhi

Do I need to explain this one?
She literally strips a time traveler along with herself and paraded around school grounds in a playboy bunny outfit. Given that she is the one in command, who wouldn’t want to be her slave? For you guys out there, you’ve single-handedly (possibly with your left hand) made Haruhi one of the most hentai-searched girl on the web. I can’t really say what would give her the edge over everyone else but I guess it must be the fact that she has undeniable power and you just want to be her bitch.

Because I couldn’t possibly deny these Anime girls their time in the light, I give you..

Honorable Mentions:
Love Hina: Naru, Shinobu
Naruto: Sakura
Bleach: Rukia
Sailor Moon: Mercury, Venus, Moon, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto
Card Captor Sakura: Sakura
Macross Frontier: Sheryl, Ranka

Now that I probably have caused some of you to get aroused by the posted images, make sure you have lots of lotion and tissue. Afterwards, please take a cold shower and realize, you just jerked off to imaginary girls who don’t exist. So please, do us a favor, find a girlfriend.

Monday Manga Update: Naruto Abridged

Man, Itachi is such an asshole.

Somewhere in Japan…

Kishimoto: And that’s my idea for this manga. It’s going to totally rock ass and make boat loads of money.

Editor: It does look pretty solid. Nice art, interesting character designs, expansive plot with a lot of potential to be explored after the initial storyline is complete. Pretty damn good for a shounen manga. There’s just one thing…

Kishimoto: What’s that?

Editor: We only publish manga that starts out good then gradually morphs into complete shit so there’s as little effort as possible involved to save money. We also prefer that you abandon the entire spirit of the anime and turn it into a Dragonball clone. Can you do this?

Kishimoto: Hells yeah! I can! I don’t really know what I’m going to do after the second arc anyway. I can shitify this up real good after that.

Editor: You’re hired! Here’s some money!

Months later…

Kishimoto: This manga sure is popular! And with some of the ideas I have for the second arc it’s only going to get better! The gravy train is about to flow, guys!

Naruto Team: Hooray!

Kishimoto: Don’t forget, though: we have to turn this manga into complete crap pretty soon. Everyone re-watch everything ever released with Dragonball’s name on it for inspiration.

Still later…

Kishimoto: Well, that wraps up the second arc. It’s time to drive this shit into the ground.

Naruto Staff: We’ve got a lot of ideas on how to do that, Kishi! You know how we introduced a whole fuck load of new characters during the chuunin exams?

Kishimoto: Yeah.

Naruto Staff: Well, we think that after introducing such a wide array of interesting characters and letting our fanbase form solid followings of each one we should just keep on introducing new ones and ignoring the old ones just to piss people off!

Kishimoto: Wow! That’s a great idea! That way we won’t be developing them and they’ll be totally fucking useless unless we Plot no Jutsu them some crazy-ass powers. You guys are geniuses! You get the weekend off!

Naruto Staff: But shouldn’t we be working?

Everyone laughs.

The third arc is completed and the team plans for the future.

Kishimoto: Guys. I have had a change of heart. I’m really interested in making this manga great again. I think with this next arc we should really try to give our readers something fantastic.

Naruto Staff: What made you change your mind? Did your artistic integrity get the best of you?

Kishimoto: Fuck no! Have you seen this other manga called Bleach? We can’t fuck around anymore!

Kishimoto and his staff churn out chapter after chapter of bad ass shit, re-visiting old characters and establishing them into the core movement of the plot like never before. Sasuke stops listening to Linkin Park and discovers death metal, thus inspiring him to take some initiative and turn into a bad guy so Kishimoto doesn’t have to change the name of the manga to Sasuke; Shikamaru, Neji, Kiba and Chouji all become fucking rockstars as they help the still-shitty Naruto rescue Sasuke’s head from his ass; Rock Lee and Gaara  bury the hatchet and both of them turn out the be the coolest characters in the manga; Temari and Kankuro are kind of okay; the arc wraps up with a tragic tone defeated only by the protagonists’ will to come out on top! All in all it’s a great arc and readers go batshit from all the awesomeness that happened.

Naruto Staff: Wow! That was butt-fuckingly amazing! We can’t wait to start working on the next arc!

Kishimoto: Pfft! Fuck that! That was a lot of work. You guys expect me to do that every arc? I’m outta this shit!

Naruto Staff: He left! What the hell do we do now?

In order to stall, the Naruto staff churn out filler material, telling the story of Sasuke and Kakashi that they should have either told a long fucking time ago or left alone. Finally Kishimoto returns.

Naruto Staff: Oh my god! You’re back!

Kishimoto: Sorry, I got all emo. I figured I should come back.

Naruto Staff: Just in time, too! We were just about to do some filler with Chouji’s past.

Kishimoto: Holy shit! I saved the world.

Naruto Staff: So, what’s next on this project? The way we ended the last arc none of us had any idea of how to proceed.

Kishimoto: Neither do I, honestly. We’ll have to sit down and really work on this so that the continuity isn’t disrupted and we make good use of what we’ve created thus far. It’s time for an all-nighter, boys!

Naturo Staff: Yes sir!

Hours later…

Kishimoto: Fuck! This is too hard. Let’s just do a timeskip, create new characters, ignore old ones and keep everything basically the same except the girls looking a little less like jailbait and wearing more provocative clothes. Especially that slut Ino. Call it Shit-pooh-den to commemorate the day I stopped trying for good. I’m going to get drunk. Start drawing!